Bearing a title that will surely send our RSS feed insane, it is with great anxiety and disregard for sponsors etcetcetc. that I write this little piece. But fear not, this is no smear or smut campaign. Just a stupid band with a stupid name that have the balls to make music so stupid that it is actually quite good. So! Behold! Child Pornography! Enjoy!!
Just when you thought that it couldn't get any bigger, any filthier and any grittier, Caspa takes the anthemic Drum and Bass track "Where's my Money?" by TC and sends it into a whole new spectrum of Dubstep excellence.
Apparently the hype around Warp Record's new signing, Hudson Mohawke, has been gradually building over the past year and a half... This I’ve missed. Luckily what I haven’t missed is his brilliant re-working of Tweets "Ooops". Here, he takes what admittedly was already a pretty decent track and packs it with enough bass, and slap-in-your-face snare to please any dubstep head. A quick look at the Glaswegian's Myspace reveals that this bootleg is probably his most radio friendly track to date, with Mary Anne Hobbs championing it on Zane Lowe’s Radio 1 show last week. The main body of his work, while always keeping the American hip hop/rnb elements, shows more of the glitchy, disconcerting influence of Aphex Twin or Mr Oizo, than the Timbaland/Skream pop style of "Ooops".
However, the one ever-present characteristic in his tracks is that they’re never tame, and always set out to destroy, as demonstrated below on his other stand out track, “ZooO00oO0m”. It will be interesting to see how this style develops now he is the property of Warp.
Chris Martin, self-proclaimed lead singer of the world’s seventh Best Band, Coldplay, has been torn apart and eaten by a mob of extremely bored OAPs. Martin, 12, was coming to the end of a four-hour lecture on the Pleasure of the Potato when his audience pulled him from the stage and began to eat him alive.
Martin was speaking to the residents of the Hades Hall Residential Home about his passion for Solanum tuberosum when the mood turned unpleasant. Apparently oblivious to his reception, Martin ploughed on convinced that his views would go unchallenged.
However, the OAPs, many of whom fought in the Second World War and engineered the building of the Welfare State, were in no mood to hear how Martin used potato peel as a goodwill blessing in his communion with the Auk goddess.
A little after 5.15 pm, they set upon him without warning and pulled Martin into their baying midst. They thereupon used their dentures to rip into his flesh, suckling on his liver and kidneys. It is claimed that he continued to scream for around 4 minutes before he finally died.
There is some speculation as to the security arrangements surrounding Martin. One source claims that his bodyguards had fallen asleep from the sheer tedium of Martin’s disquisition. But there are rumours that his guards were aware of the situation but did nothing to stop it and may even have contributed to the spontaneous cannibalisation of the rock ‘star’.
One pensioner, who prefers to remain anonymous, said, ‘He was the most stupid cunt I’ve ever heard. I mean, fucking hell, what a twat. What choice did we have except to eat him? We couldn’t listen to another pissing minute of that guff.’
In a statement, his manager said, ‘Chris Martin will always be remembered as a very annoying man. We realised long ago that no one had any interest in his views, so we arranged a tour of Nursing Homes in the hope that his audience would be asleep or paralysed before he arrived. Obviously, they were a bit more insightful and lively than we gave them credit for. It was our mistake.’
Martin’s wife, the actress Gwyneth Paltrow, has been informed, as have his five children Apple, Windows, Macintosh, Symbian and Linux.
Read some extracts from Martin’s final Speech, ‘The Pleasure of The Potato’: Part 1.1: Solanum Tuberosum and the Erogenous Principles Part 1.2: Bush and the Potato – The Radical Tuber Part 1.3: Conclusion: I am Chris Martin, Add a T to my First Name Part 2.1: Couch Potato and Other Slurs on this Wonderful Plant Part 2.2: My Wife is Not a Prostitute Part 2.3: Conclusion: Potato Part 3.1: Surrender to the Potato Part 3.2: When I Masturbate I Feel Shame Part 3.3: Conclusion: Why Did I Name My Children After Operating Systems? Part 4.1: I Am Chris Martin and I Have Opinions Part 4.2: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Yellow Part 4.3: Conclusion: No One Will Love You Like A Potato
So we’re just under a month away from Europe’s biggest, maddest and, according to the “SeeMe” awards, also the best summer Festival: Exit. With possibly its most amazing line-up to date, festival goers are sure to be flocking from all over the world to the Petrovaradin fortress of Novi Sad in Serbia to witness what the world of music has to offer. So TV Bomb here’s a little look at the history and ethos of this epically proportioned festival.
Three university students from Novi Sad founded exit Festival in the year 2000. The original festival was set up to protest and foment against Milosevic, though activists had to remain relatively careful. Nonetheless, political awareness and great music still remained. When the first festival finished a few days before the now-famous federal elections of the 24th of September, which was later recognized as the turning point towards the end of Milosevic’s dictatorship, there was a large feeling of gratitude towards the festival and, following the 5th of October overthrow, the festival was renamed “EXIT out of ten years of madness”.
After Milosevic left power, there was nothing to stand in the way of Exit now bringing in international music acts to the once isolated Serbia. The festival could start to carve out a musical identity with huge acts like LTJ Bukem, 4Hero, Banco De Gaia and Roni Size. Eight years on and still going strong, this year’s line-up is the best yet. A few tips for travelers to this years event:
If camping, you will not spend much time in your tent. The heat is far too overwhelming. SO... Get to the site early and pitch near a tree or something that will provide some shade.
Last year Prodigy opened up the festival. This was incredible, but due to the fact that everyone decided to show up to the site exactly at the same time an enormous bottle neck scenario happened at the entrance, forcing organizers to open the floodgates and let everyone pour in. For me this felt like how I imagine Glastonbury would have been before we became a nanny state. For others it was fucking scary, so arrive early or late to avoid.
Don’t get caught with drugs on you, ask Grooverider.
Lastly, The dance arena has been hailed by the worlds top DJ’s as the best there is. Whatever your opinion on techno or house. Make sure you spend at least one morning (preferably the first) standing on the hill watching the sun come up. It is truly amazing.
This years acts include: Manu Chao, N*E*R*D*, Primal Scream, The Sex Pistols, Sven Vath, 2 Many Dj’s, Afrika Bambaata, Laurent Garnier, Dillinja, Dj Hype, Noisia, High Contrast, Claude Von Stroke, Benga & Skream, Deep Dish, Shy FX and so many more.
