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It's Alcohol and Drug Awareness Week this week. So we at TVBOMB thought, in our very adult fashion, that we would do our bit to publicise this important time in the calendar. We all occasionally give in to vice, have a couple of pints. The odd joint, even.  The majority of you will be restrained, and I commend you for your responsibility. But there are some, like me, who have a tendency to push the limits. Just a little.  

For example, I awoke the other morning (a Wednesday) to find a police report in my pocket. I had been stopped, apparently, for attempting to steal the life buoys from Vauxhall Bridge. My reason? According to the report, I told the bizzies that I was a sailor and needed them for my boat. Hmm.  

So if you are one of those people who thinks, hell, Why not just fucking go it? It’s Friday night and there’s a whole weekend to recover. So I might as well drink shot after shot of cheap vodka, maul a week’s wages on Class-As, and temporarily lose my mind… If you’re one of those people, then this article right up your street!  

There are a couple of things you need to know before we begin. First of all, this list isn't in any kind of order. I could probably do it in order of how smashed they get you, but to be honest I can't really remember. Let’s just say they all do the job very well.  

Secondly, most of these involve alcohol. What you need to remember is that different types of alcohol vary in potency. Although the methods I will describe to you will contain certain drinks, they are just the ones that I used when I did them. Please feel free to mix and match. It’s that kind of freewheeling attitude that we love here at TVB.  

Thirdly, I will refer to everyone as him/he/his just because it saves time. Please know that this applies to women as much as it applies to men.  I just can't be arsed with all that PC bullshit! Fourthly, just remember to have fun with it. All these methods are meant to be in the interest of bringing people together in mutual love of getting totally obliterated.

So, Lets begin!!!

1: The upside down pint.  Requirements: 1 pint.1 straw. 2 mates.

       To be honest the name is fairly self-explanatory. You do a handstand, and get your friends to secure your legs so that you remain upright while you do this. Next put the pint close by and secure the straw. Then you must down the whole drink in one. (Tip- increase the number of straws for quicker downing time). If you fail to drink it in one, then you must keep on doing it until you can. Or you pass out.  

2: The Whirlwind. Requirements: 1 joint of the finest weed you can lay your hands on, 1 mate.

        Ok, before I get into the full details of this you need to know the basics of a weed smoking trick that is as old as time. The Blowback. I f you already know what this is then skip forward. Otherwise read carefully. It’s worth noting that the Blowback on its own is a fairly good way of increasing your high. So one person takes a long, slow toke on the joint. Take in as much as you can. Then the receiver stands in front of him and cups his hands around his mouth and the first person does the same. Then the first person reverses the joint so that the lit end is insde your mouth, don't worry, unless its really long then it won't burn your mouth. Next you link them together, ensuring that it’s as airtight as possible. Then the first person blows the smoke through, again in a long and slow breath, while the second person inhales in a slow and deep manner.

        So, to the whirlwind. You do the Blowback procedure as normal, but once you have inhaled the smoke, you do not release it. Instead, you stare directly upwards and spin around until you can't hold your breath anymore.  Exhale, and repeat procedure until thoroughly baked!  

3: The quintuple tequia suicide. Requirements: 5 shots of tequila (preferably all different brands), 1 salt shaker, 1 lime wedge.

       Ah this brings back memories. It was a ritual at my school that  you had to do one of these on your 16th birthday, good times. This is similar to a tequila slammer except that there are 5 shots instead of 1, you snort the salt instead of licking it and you squeeze the lime in your eye instead of biting it. You do it in the regular order so it goes, snort, drink all 5, and then squeeze. If you can't do it all in one go, or you throw up then you have to do it again.

4: The Eyeball Paul. Requirements: 1 bottle of spirits, 1 eyeball.

      This is a time tested, sure fire way of getting completely hammered!  Affectionately named after the vodka swilling, reprobate dj from Kevin and Perry go large, this is one of the ones you need to be wary of as it gets you very drunk, very fast! So, to attempt this manouvre you need to secure the rim of the bottle around your eye, then throw your head back and hold for 1-2 seconds then bring it back down. It will sting something fierce for about 5 minutes then you suddenly feel fantastic ......

5: The sleep inducer. Requirements: 1 pill of Valium, 1 bottle of spirits, alot of redbull.

       Ok, I know what you're thinking, why would i want to do something called the sleep inducer? If not done properly then the resulting effect is sleep, if done properly then the effect is a very lucid mind and minimal control over your movements, its a very funny feeling! So anyway, swallow(or crush up and sniff if thats more to your liking) the valium, then ingest large amounts of the alcohol and even more of the redbull. The redbull is a key component to this concoction as it enables you to stay awake through the coming messiness!!!

6:  The Rising dragon. Requirements: 1 joint of your finest weed, 1  mate, 1 wall, a willingness to get completely wrecked.

       Last and by no means least, The Rising Dragon. This is one of the ones you need to treat with a certain amount of respect as its guaranteed to get you so unbelievably high!  This combines two concepts, the blowback, which i mentioned earlier and the asphixiation technique. So person A (the person who receives the rising dragon) crouches down with his back to the wall and begins to hyper ventilate. You want to do this for about 30-45 seconds. Then Person B gives person A a blowback, while this is happening you both begin to stand up slowly. Once the blowback is finished you should both be standing up straight, Person A needs to hold in the smoke while Person B pushes him against the wall for about 20 seconds. Be ready to catch him as theres a large chance that he will pass out!!! Don't worry if he does, thast normal. Wake him up after about 15 seconds and watch him float!

 Well sadly thats all we really have time fo. I hope you enjoy yourself this Alcohol and drug awareness week, I know I will. All the best from TV Bomb!!!

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Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved.